Postpartum Anxiety and Making Room for Me Again

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As I sit here in a coffee shop, in my athleisure wear and mom bun, I think to myself, “am I a cliché?” “Former interior designer and blogger turned stay-at-home-mom finds herself blogging once again,” my caption would read. I have to say, cliché or not, it feels GOOD!

After a successful career in design, I was more than happy to trade in my outlook email for the “Moms on Call” series. I had always dreamed that one day I would have the opportunity to stay home and raise babies, devoting myself fully to motherhood and while I am thankful every day for my children and our time together, it hasn’t always been easy. Now here I am—five years and two babies later—beginning to make room for myself once again.

Anxiety and Motherhood

As someone who has always struggled with anxiety (first diagnosed as “first-grade-itis”) it was no shock that as I made my transition into motherhood, I found myself with an overwhelming need for control. It can be hard to distinguish what is “normal” postpartum because everything is so new–your body, your routine, your world! All too often, we think of postpartum anxiety and depression as intrusive thoughts or trouble bonding, when in reality it’s more of a spectrum of feelings and symptoms.

I personally had no trouble bonding and actually loved the newborn phase, sleeplessness and all. I’ve always been what one would consider “bossy” and like things a certain way, but once I became a mom it became something more. When I left my son for the first time after he was born, I found myself watching him and my husband on our home camera the entire time I was away. Then, I realized this might be a problem. I chalked it up to nerves and swore to never spy like that again.

Months later, when my son was about a year old, we were driving over a bridge and I found myself obsessing over what if we were to crash into the lake below, which was my first real intrusive thought. Now I knew this wasn’t healthy, so I vowed to not let worry take hold of me. A year or so later when we started talking about having another baby, I knew that I wanted medical help to manage my anxiety the second time around. Thankfully, a couple of my closest friends shared that they, too, had struggled with postpartum anxiety. They helped me realize that I was not alone.

Prioritizing my Mental Health

After lots of research, and at the advice of my physician, I decided to get on medication to address my anxiety. What an incredible change I experienced, as a wife, as a mom and just as a person! I was able to embrace motherhood with a new appreciation and a more peaceful heart. Of course, there were moments of stress or worry, but my need for control no longer overpowered me. My entire life I have had a “nervous tummy” and an over-analyzing mind, and, for the first time ever, I experienced what life is like free from anxiety.

Once my daughter stopped breastfeeding, I resumed taking birth control, but something was different this time around. I felt extra PMSy, like I could “bite nails” as my mother would say. After finally finding relief from my anxiety, it was frustrating to now have another feeling of emotional uneasiness. It was at this point that I decided it was time to truly prioritize my own mental health and wellness.

I continued my medication, got off birth control, and found a therapist—someone that could help me discover the root of my anxieties and give me tangible tools to help manage my emotions. So far, it has been a couple of years of medication and a few months of therapy; I’m working each and every day to not only manage my anxiety, but to re-frame my thinking about self-care.

What started out as a need to solve a “control issue” has evolved into a true journey.

Now, I’m discovering how I can come to know and understand who I am. I also make time for myself in a way that best serves myself and my family. I have a long way to go, and I am certainly no expert, but I must say that I am proud to be a mom that is showing my children that it’s okay to not be okay. They will know from watching me that there is always a way to get help when you need it. I’m learning to make room for myself again and it feels good.

We are all on this Journey Together

My hope in sharing all of this is to remind other mamas out there who may be feeling a little lost or out of sorts that you are not alone. Talk to a friend, a family member, or a therapist. Mamas need other mamas, so find your tribe and hold them close. Also, remember to be honest always, because, while everyone’s experience is unique, we are all in this journey of motherhood together.

 
If this resonated with you, you may find some more help in this post:

The Fifth Trimester :: Navigating Anxiety Four Months Postpartum

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Lauren T
Lauren is an interior designer and stylist turned full-time-mom to two littles, Mills and Mae. Originally from Atlanta, Lauren attended the University of Alabama where she met her husband Max (a Birmingham native) and moved to Birmingham in 2014. After living in a loft downtown, a bungalow in Crestline, and briefly in Long Beach California – Lauren and her family now live in Homewood with their silly pug Bruce. When she’s not wrangling her two busy kiddos, you can find Lauren thrifting for vintage treasures, working in the garden, taking the occasional yoga class or enjoying a girls night!