Infertility feels like true despair as you’re enduring it. Even once you reach “the other side,” the effects from it continue to linger. There’s a finish line that feels so out of reach, and everyone seems to be crossing it before you, one right after the other. You feel time running out, uncertainty of when it will happen for you, and the crushing realization that it possibly might not. As you wait in this season, you hope, wish, and, most of all, pray.
In The Wait
You dream of seeing that positive pregnancy test, of finding out the gender, preparing a nursery, bringing baby home. You even dream of the less-than-ideal motherhood scenarios like being covered in spit up and being sleep deprived–you’ll deal with anything to have your sweet baby in your arms. You dream of watching them grow up, of starting school, curating their wardrobe time and time again as they grow. You dream of watching them turn into who they were created to be.
Before you even see their face or know their name, you know them in your mind and your heart.
The road to motherhood is paved differently for everyone. Some need a quick adjustment of the map to find their way, and others have a few more detours. Nothing along the course is our fault, yet we are subjected to it, however our story unfolds.
When you finally get there…it’s the epitome of contentment. It’s super hard, it’s ever-evolving, but in spite of the hard, it feels like magic because of all it took to bring your babies home.
Birthdays Are Full Circle Moments
Each birthday is special in and of itself as they grow and change, but the journey it took to reach the Birth Day is worth rejoicing over in addition to celebrating each specific year. Birthdays are surreal full circle moments to all moms but especially to those who endured and conquered infertility.
There are lots of balloons, probably too many gifts, treats, and special activities throughout the week (yes, it ends up being about a week long). It probably looks “extra” to some, but to me, it’s not enough to portray my gratitude. There’s not enough hoopla in the world to outwardly express the joy my heart feels to get to celebrate birthdays each year.
Only a few years ago, I wondered if I would ever be here, if I would ever have these little hands to hold. The despair, bitterness, and emptiness infertility caused me years ago make these milestones and celebrations even sweeter. I still honor and remember the crushing sadness it brought, while simultaneously feeling the sadness being actively redeemed now through baby giggles and toddler curiosity.
Just the Beginning
Birthdays are a big deal in this house because we didn’t know if we’d have birthdays to celebrate. Now that we do, we celebrate HARD. We did get to cross that infertility finish line, and it will never be lost on me how blessed we are. Birthdays are our chance to reflect that gratitude and appreciation.
After all, the finish line is just the beginning.