If, Like Me, You Weren’t Perfect in 2018 . . .

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Coffeehouse Clarity

A recent trip to a coffee shop offered me a reminder I want to carry into the New Year. Sharing with others, I realize, seems like the best way to help me internalize this message.

Finding myself in need of good coffee and wi-fi, I meander into a new coffee shop. Initially, I’m amazed by the ambiance of the space. I’m surrounded by beautiful things and beautiful people. I sit in a sleek, modern chair with my white porcelain cup to take in the Pinterest-perfect scenery. But after a few minutes, all I can think about is how much I want to be in the coffee shop where I worked through graduate school. Lucy’s is not new. It is not pristine, shiny, or “perfect”. However, Lucy’s is a place I find warm smiles and people who care to know my name. The eclectic, coffee-tinged decor and aroma of years grinding beans give it a feel of being real. There, I feel at home, not like a tourist visiting a movie set. While sitting in my beautiful chair, I realize this difficult truth: my projected perfection will never be what allows people to feel at home with me. 

Maybe, like me, you see pictures in those parenting magazines of women bouncing back after having babies, looking fitter than ever. Perhaps you read blogs of moms implementing the most efficient systems for managing well-behaved, ideal children. Maybe you create Pinterest boards of ways to keep the house organized and decorated with little ones around so that nothing is ever out of place. Or maybe you scroll a Facebook feed filled with happy-looking families that seem like they have it all together. And maybe, like me, you often feel like a big hot mess in comparison. What I find myself forgetting is that while it seems nice to look flawless, these images are never the complete story of true life. 

We can’t be both perfect and authentic.

We connect most deeply with people who are authentic. No one wants to truly connect to people who are perfect; we just want to admire them from afar. Being real often means toys and stains on the floor, piles of unfolded laundry on the bed, and (as I shared previously) our child’s bodily fluids on our clothes. It means not always saying things just right and not always maintaining composure. We want relationships with people we can relate to, and who are capable of relating to us. We forget that this requires authenticity and vulnerability. Perfection acts as a shield that keeps my true self from being seen. Brene Brown writes

“Why, when we know that there’s no such thing as perfect, do most of us spend an incredible amount of time and energy trying to be everything to everyone? Is it that we really admire perfection? No — the truth is that we are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth. We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect.” 

Believe me, my authentic self does not appear like a Pinterest post. Fellow mommas, if you feel like you don’t have it all together, if it seems like your toddler’s tantrums are just getting louder, or you can’t seem to get that post-baby belly back to its college shape, know you’re in good company. Perhaps the struggles we experience as mothers are actually the makings of the gifts we offer the world. Those struggles allow others to connect to us and allow children to learn from us. They make us human, and that is a beautiful thing. Brown also says “Imperfections are not inadequacies, they are reminders that we are all in this together.”

The New Year Reset

As we wrap up the holiday season and move into a new year, many of us feel like the last month has been a whirlwind. We put so much pressure on ourselves to get it all in and do it all well, rather than slow it all down. Maybe, like me, certain traditions and celebrations went as planned, while others crashed and burned (Side note: If that tree I wrote about is still standing by the time this blog is posted, it will be a Christmas miracle). It’s possible that, like me, you have lovely social media posts highlighting the nice points, but a camera roll recalling a different reality. Perhaps you, too, are hoping the New Year reset button will offer motivation to do it right the next time. But, ladies, if we find that 2019 doesn’t bring us the ability to do all the things perfectly, maybe instead it can offer us something better: a way to live more connected to one another and the people we love the most.

Let’s begin to let the layers of perfection peel back, and let the real us be seen. We’re far more beautiful underneath.

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Katie R
Katie, a native Alabamian, came to Birmingham in 2012 to pursue a master's from UAB in Mental Health Counseling. She works as a Licensed Professional Counselor in her practice, Present Wellness Counseling, LLC, as well as in a residential treatment center for substance abuse. She and her husband were married in 2007 and have a son, Harpin, who's been keeping them busy since 2016. She is learning daily how to bridge her child development background with real-life motherhood moments, and she is excited to share these experiences with her BMB readers. Katie loves any time spent outside, loves opening her home to share meals with friends, and loves her faith community. She practices yoga and Reiki, and leads meditation groups for developing self-compassion. You can find out more about her practice and her upcoming community trainings at her website, PresentWellnessCounseling.com.