The Ghost of the Mommy I Used to Be

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Ghost of the mom I used to beI saw her walking down the sidewalk on my street. She was pushing a double stroller filled with two toddlers. Strapped to her chest in a baby carrier was a sleeping infant, his tiny head propped on her chest, his little face angled up toward her face. She wore sunglasses and jogging clothes, although she probably hasn’t had the time or energy to run in months. She looked content, she looked confident. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. 

I looked at this mom and I thought, How is that no longer me? How long has it been since I was her? For a moment I think it was just a year ago, maybe two? No, my youngest is five now . . . it must have been longer than that. The truth is, my boys are now ten, eight, seven, and five. I don’t have to push them in strollers to go for walks; they just walk alongside me. I used to go days and weeks without one minute of “free” time. Now I send them off to school or to play outside and I have alone time a lot. 

I stare at this mom, and the memory of how I was her hurts. I loved being that mom. I was good at being that mom. I spent most of my teen years and early adulthood not really being really “great” at much. I wasn’t confident in myself. But then I had babies, four of them! I was in my element. I was confident. I felt important. When people would stop me in the grocery store and make the inevitable “Your hands are full” comment, I would beam with pride. My hands were full, but look at me! I was doing that thing! I was proud that I could handle all the tiny humans and still buy all my groceries!

She is everywhere, this ghost of the mother I used to be. She is in the grocery store with a baby strapped in her cart. She is at the playground climbing behind her wobbly toddler because he isn’t big enough for her to just sit back and watch from the park bench. She is in the restaurant, draped with a nursing cover, feeding her newest baby. Its hard to look away sometimes because I miss that woman, that mom I used to be.

Accepting and mourning the loss of that phase of motherhood is a process for me. I smile at the mom as she walks by. I tell myself it’s okay to let her go, to let myself say goodbye to that stage of motherhood. Welcoming the sadness allows me to also fully see just how magical that time was. It allows me to know that the part of me that grew confident because of them, because of that season, is still here too.

I will take that part with me and smile at the mom who used to be me.

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Alli N
Alli is a Birmingham native who always knew she wanted to be a mommy to many, but had no idea that would turn into many little boys! While being a "boy mom" was not what she expected, you will now find her trudging through the woods and happily exploring everything "outdoors" with her brood of little men. Happily married to a builder, you might find that her Google searches reveal a never-ending list of home improvements, which leads to lots of screen shots and "Let's do this next" text messages. When not chasing around her boys, you can find her off on a long run, drinking coffee, going out for a girls' night, or wandering the aisles of the most wonderful place on earth, Target.