Creating Your Own Lane on the Path of Motherhood

Motherhood has been, and continues to be, one of the most rewarding yet challenging titles I’ve taken on. My husband is a lieutenant with the fire department in the City of Birmingham. When we got married his schedule consisted of 24 hours at the station and 48 hours off work. That was the best schedule as every third day I had the house to myself, didn’t have to cook if I didn’t want to, and had the bed all to myself. When his work day occurred on a Saturday, I would sleep in, meet with friends, or stay home and binge watch Lifetime. This schedule allowed us to also miss each other.

A year and a half into our marriage, we were expecting our first child. We wanted to be the BEST parents and attended EVERY class the hospital offered, including the hospital tour. A little less than two months before our due date, we arrived for our scheduled tour of St. Vincent’s hospital. There were a total of six couples in our group with varying due dates. The guide was very personable and the nurses were really nice. We entered one of the hospital rooms to have a question and answer session. It was the end of August and football season was about to start, which led several of the men to ask questions pertaining to t.v. channels offered. There were additional questions about the food and drinks allowed. We laughed and chuckled as one couple hinted at a tailgate party if they were in the hospital during the Iron Bowl. I laughed a bit and waited for them to finish before I said, “Tell me about your safety and what the hospital does if a baby is taken.” The look on everyone’s face was priceless. Oh, y ’all haven’t seen Stolen at Birth? I was not about to take any chance on becoming one of those Lifetime movies. The guide explained that every baby wears a bracelet and the hospital will lock down if the censored bracelet was in an unauthorized zone. She continued to explain the process of scanning the bracelet any time the baby is taken out the room and brought back.

Delivery day was upon us, and while in the hospital I did not want my son going to the nursery or the nurse’s station. He needed to stay with me at all times because someone might snatch him. I know you all have seen the Lifetime movie Switched at Birth. The only time my son left the room was to be circumcised. I made sure they scanned both of our bracelets upon his return and immediately looked for his birth mark. My trust level for anyone outside of our family was about VERY LOW. We took our son home, and over the next few weeks we had trouble with him sleeping. He did not like his crib or bassinet, but he would sleep on me. My parents were in town and helped tremendously.  

Two weeks after I gave birth, my parents left to go to their home and my husband went back to work. ALL ON THE SAME DAY. Remember those 24 hour shifts that were so great? Well, now the responsibility of parenting was ALL ON ME during those days. I started sleeping in the rocking chair holding my son so we could get some sleep. I was tired, exhausted, and I began to despise my husband’s schedule.  

It was time for my son to start daycare so I could return to work. The first day I was nervous, scared, and having issues detaching from him. We walked in the daycare and checked him in. The teacher started to put up his things when we noticed the milk was left at home. I cried all the home saying, “How could I leave his milk?” and “What if he doesn’t sleep?”.  My husband assured me it would be okay. We arrived back at the daycare with the milk to a baby sound asleep in a swing. My husband said, “See, he’s ok.” Now I was crying because, why was he sleeping for them and not for me? As the next week went by, I fell in love with the daycare and the teacher. I was beginning to see that a few people could be trusted with my child. Maybe we would avoid being the next real life story covered on the Lifetime channel.

Over the next few months, I felt like all I wanted to do was sleep. I was extremely tired and exhausted. My son was attached to me as I to him. I didn’t want too many people to watch him. People will often say, “The baby will be fine” when speaking about leaving him/her with someone. But what about the mother? We’ve been attached to this human in our womb for nine months, and just because the child is now on the outside of our body, that doesn’t mean the attachment is broken. New moms often hear, “Let him go” or “She will be ok,” but for a new mother, those are not always words of comfort. Everything that comes with motherhood is not only hard for the child but for the mother as well. We all move at a different pace based on our comfort level. 

In addition to my over-protective actions, running errands, completing a task, and enjoying activities was difficult. Not difficult in that I could not do them but in how much time each took. I began to be jealous of my old life. I loved my son and being a mother, but I wasn’t living life, just existing. One year into motherhood, I had to get back to me. I’ve always paved my own way through life, and this should be no different. I decided to create my own path and define what motherhood would look like for me.

To my fellow mothers who may feel the way I felt during the first year, here are a few tips:

• Accept that things may be different than what your mother, friends, and other women experience and how they parent.
• There’s no correct answer for most questions and situations regarding motherhood. Suggestions are great, but don’t feel badly if what worked for someone else doesn’t work for you.
• Make as many adjustments as needed until you find the right balance. 
• Build a community/network. 
• Look at it as an opportunity to create a new version of your life. 
• Motherhood is one aspect of your life. You still have interests, hobbies, and friends. Make time for them.

Fast forward 10 years later, and I’ve learned to let go and live life to the fullest. The path I walk is my own which has been created just for me. AND IT WORKS!  

Whether you can relate or not, know that you are doing a good job.

Editor’s Note: While not always, we are aware that in many cases, feelings of extreme anxiety and sadness around new motherhood can be symptoms of a larger issue. If you believe you might be experiencing postpartum depression, we encourage you to seek help from a professional with experience in the mental health field. This is much more common than many of us moms even realize, and we want to encourage all women to take the necessary steps to feel whole again after giving birth.