Recently, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, vibrant baby girl. And although I LOVE my daughter’s name, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t struggle with it. Why, you ask? Because of the unwanted opinions of others. It got so bad at one point that I stopped sharing her name with people altogether and considered changing it multiple times.
Sharing the name of your baby is a very vulnerable and personal action. Having others criticize the name you’ve chosen for your little bundle of joy can be hurtful, cause a lot of doubt, and add stress that a pregnant woman just doesn’t need. So I’ve decided to compile a little list of what not to say so that all you future mamas can share with those closest to you!
Baby Name Etiquette :: What Not to Say
“Are you sure?”
Asking the question, “Are you sure?”, is a way of implying that you don’t like the name the parents-to-be have picked out. Even if you don’t mean it that way, it can put a sting in the heart of a mama-to-be who has taken weeks, months, or even years planning her child’s name. If she’s truly uncertain of the name she’s picked out, typically she’ll say so.
Example: “I’m thinking about the name John, but I’m not sure if that’s what I’m sticking to yet.”
Respond instead: “What a great name! Did it take you long to find the perfect name for your son/daughter?”
“That name is really long. Have you thought about shortening it?
If you noticed my daughter’s name above (under her adorable picture), you may notice that it’s quite long. I had many people tell me, “That’s a mouthful! You should shorten it”, or “Geez, poor girl is going to have to learn to spell all that and write it on all her future school work.” And while her name is a mouthful, and yes, she’s going to have to learn how to spell it, each of her names holds a special place in my heart. Asking me to change her name or making me feel guilty for how long it is does not support me as a future mother.
Instead, show interest (even if it’s fake), about longer than normal names.
Consider instead: “That name is really unique/beautiful/handsome. Would you mind me asking the origin of the name?”
“Isn’t that a boy’s/girl’s name?”
Most of the time, when choosing a name, the mother is aware that there is some gender fluidity between names. Take, for example, my son’s name, Quinn. I have seen this name used for both male and female children. Even the name Ashley has been used for boys (Where are my Gone With The Wind fans at?!).
Popular names tend to swing from gender to gender throughout the decades. Just because a name is considered more appropriate for one gender in the current age, doesn’t mean it wasn’t used for the opposite gender in the past.
Another possibility is that the child has been named after someone in the family.
If you’re truly curious about the name of a child with a more typical opposite-gendered name, respond instead: “That name is so unique for a boy/girl. Would you mind sharing the story of how you came up with it?”
“You should change the spelling.”
Just like with anything else, names have trends. Not only names, but spellings of names, too! Just look at the name Brittany. I recently met a woman with my name with a spelling I had never seen before (and I’ve met a lot of other Brittanys)! This is one statement/question that should just be avoided.
Respond instead: “What a lovely name!”
“I don’t really like that name, so I’ll just use a nickname instead.”
This is another statement that should be avoided at all costs. I internally roll my eyes just thinking about all the times this has been said to me. If you’re truly having a difficult time remembering, saying, or spelling the name of that little bundle of joy, let the parents-to-be know and ask for help finding a solution.
For example: “I’m having a really hard time saying your child’s name. Would you mind helping me find a nickname I could use instead?”
Most parents will be more than happy to help you learn or adapt their baby’s name to make it easier to say or remember.
“Oh! Don’t name your baby that. I once knew someone by that name . . .”
Never, ever, ever tell a parent a story that will ruin the name they have picked out. It’s heartbreaking to have the perfect name picked out for your bundle of joy only to have it destroyed by a story from a person you’ve never even met. If you must share a story about a person you know, make sure it’s a positive, heart-lifting story.
For example: “Teresa is a beautiful name! It makes me think of Mother Teresa and all the great things she did for this world. I bet your daughter will bring just as much light and love into the world as she did!”
“Why are you choosing that name? Is there a meaning behind it?”
Now, there isn’t anything inherently wrong with this question, but sometimes the tone of the question can come across as showing displeasure over the chosen name.
Remember that not everyone will want to share the story behind the name they’ve chosen. If you’re truly curious about the origin of a name ask it in a way that the parents can turn you down without feeling bad or guilty.
Consider instead: “I’m really curious about the meaning behind your child’s name. If you’re comfortable with it, would you mind sharing the story with me?”
So what should you say?
A good rule of thumb when it comes to sharing your thoughts or questions on baby names is, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. If you’re truly at a loss for something nice to say, you can always say, “What a wonderful name! I’m so happy for you!”
Moms, what are some things people said to you after you shared your baby’s name?
