My favorite comedian, Jim Gaffigan, has a set where he introduces himself by stating that he has just become a father. Wild applause follows. He then clarifies that he just became a father for the fourth time. This time, the announcement is met not with catcalls but instead with deafening silence. Of course he makes a joke about the lack of enthusiasm, and while it is funny, it’s also a pretty accurate reflection of our society’s view on babies past the first (and maybe the second).
Everyone is excited when you have your first baby. There are showers, registries, clotheslines with tiny onesies, and in-depth research on the best stroller for your bundle of joy. People offer unsolicited advice and give you a bib with their favorite sports team logo emblazoned on the front.
If you dare have a second child, others will likely still be enthusiastic because your first baby is getting a sibling, but they’re more excited if it’s the opposite gender from the first. (Side note: I have no idea why this is the case, as families with a boy and a girl are no more valuable than those with all boys or girls, but I digress . . . )
Four Is Still Fantastic
This topic is near and dear to my heart because we are preparing to welcome our fourth baby to our family this fall. Yes, we are crazy. There is far less excitement from our friends and acquaintances this time around compared to the first, and that’s okay. It is natural to temper enthusiasm as something occurs more frequently. Take, for example, the first day of school. Everyone lays out clothes the night before, packs lunches, and has a shiny new backpack. By the third month of school, we’re lucky if our kid still has a pencil.
I don’t need any baby stuff this time around, and I don’t expect a shower. But I do want my kids to know this baby is loved and wanted just as much as they were. I want my older kids to remember planning for the baby and how they felt as they waited for him or her. I want them to know that each member of our family is equally valued and loved no matter where they fall in the birth order. This doesn’t happen all on its own, but instead takes work to cultivate.
While You Wait for Baby
Here are some ideas for ways to prepare for and welcome a baby when it’s not your first. Some of these are specific to moms who are pregnant, but many also work for families pursuing adoption as well.
Talk about the baby
This one is a no-brainer, but you should talk about the baby. Talk about what you think the baby will look like and what he or she will eat. My three year old can’t wait to take “her baby” to the Tunnel Park (her favorite spot). So we discuss what we’ll do there and how the baby will just watch her climb until he’s a little older.
Buy a few new pieces, even if you don’t need them
Generally I’m very practical and won’t buy things I don’t need, but I am making an exception here. Purchasing a few items for the baby and letting older kids help pick them out teaches them that the baby is anticipated and valued. We bought a pack of pretty, gender-neutral swaddle blankets for pictures at the hospital. I will also take my girls to help pick out a “home from the hospital” outfit for the baby at some point. We had to buy a new car seat because ours had expired. Even though it was a necessity, I treated it as a fun activity. We looked at pictures of car seats online and chose the one we thought the baby would like.
Involve other kids in picking out a name
Obviously choosing a name for your baby is a big deal, and I’m certainly not arguing that you let your two year old name the baby Rainbow Sprinkles. But children can be included in conversations about names, even if it’s just to tell them a few names that you are considering. We gave our parents five boy and five girl names that we liked and asked their opinion. We used that same opportunity to ask our girls which names they liked best.
Decorate a nursery
If possible, set up a nursery for the baby. If there isn’t an available room for a separate nursery, let your kids help set up the crib or bassinet. I didn’t do a nursery for my second or third babies, and I wish I had. This time, we moved all three big girls to a shared room to make available space for a nursery. They are having a ball helping paint the room and set up the crib. It is a great opportunity to involve the whole family in preparing for the new family member.
Take the older kids to doctor’s appointments
This may not be practical due to school and work schedules, but if you can, take your older kids to a doctor’s appointment. My seven year old loved meeting my doctor and hearing the baby’s heartbeat. She talked about it for days afterward. Obviously, choose appointments wisely (I don’t recommend taking a kid to the glucose screening, for example). This can be a fun way to include older children in the wait for baby.
Take pictures
This one is hard for me, but I’m aiming to take lots of pictures, especially of my pregnant self with our other kids. My daughters love to see pictures “when I was in your tummy.” I don’t have very many of those because I don’t love pictures of myself when I’m feeling tired and big. But they don’t see it that way, so document the preparation and anticipation of your new family member.
Kiss the baby goodnight
If you have a baby bump, let your kiddos kiss the baby goodnight. My girls love to do this and fight over who gets to go last (because apparently the last kiss is the most important)! If you are adopting and have a picture of your child, your other kid(s) can blow a kiss until they can do it in person.
Pray
If prayer is important to you, then of course, pray for your baby. We love to pray for our new little one, and this is an easy way to help kids prepare their hearts for their new sibling.
Have a birthday party
I’ve never done it before, but now that my older ones are old enough to remember, I’m planning a little “party” for when they come to meet the baby at the hospital. It will be extremely low-key, obviously. But there will be party hats, a (grocery store purchased) little cake, and maybe some big sister shirts for my girls. I hope they’ll always remember the day they met their sibling, and that it was one of the best days ever.
