Motherhood in Reverse :: Advice I Would Give My Daughters if They Were in My Shoes

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If I’d Known Then . . .

I used to think that if I didn’t get pregnant young (as in my early to mid-twenties), it would mean I was behind the power curve in some way. A lot of my choices were made based on that proverbial clock, and some of them weren’t good ones. I dated and gave periods of my life to men who didn’t deserve it, all because I felt like my window to become a mom was an ever-shrinking one. 

What I didn’t know then – and wish I had is that while there are benefits to having your children younger, there are also some fantastic benefits to being an “older” mom. By having to wait for motherhood, I had time to learn who I was and, maybe more importantly, who I wasn’t. I was able to travel some and pursue interests I wouldn’t have with young children at home. It also gave me time to both find a career I liked and get somewhat established. 

The one thing I do admittedly worry about as a 40-year-old mom with very young children, is not being around for my daughters when they are going through their hardest years of motherhood. I’ll be 80 when my youngest daughter is my current age. Although I find comfort in knowing they will have each other after I’m gone, there’s a certain sadness in the thought of not being around for them in the way my parents (who had children young) have been around for me. 

The Days are Long, but the Years are Short

“The days are long, but the years are short,” people often say. We’ve all heard it.

That sentiment is supremely not helpful in those moments when you’re trying to order dinner with one baby on your hip, another one crying and pulling on your leg, and your oldest child is way over at the Newk’s self-serve table filling up 42 small containers with pickles and parmesan. Yet I know the truth of it. My oldest daughter is seven, and in my mind, she should still be wobbling on all fours, learning to crawl. It sounds cliché to say it, but life does happen in a blink. 

Motherhood advice to share with daughters later in life

The Balancing Act of Motherhood

It took growing up and becoming a mom to give me a deep appreciation for the balancing act of motherhood. If you’re a stay-at-home mom, the endless demands of little people and various schedules can be difficult to navigate. If you’re a working mom, finding a work/life balance can feel nearly impossible. I find that motherhood feels like one of those street corner acts where someone is spinning plates on sticks. Spinning plates takes a lot of practice and discipline: it’s an immense amount of pressure if you think about it. One wrong move, and it all falls apart.

Sound familiar to anyone else?

I’ve been thinking about what I would say to my daughters if they were walking in the same shoes I am now. What advice would I offer to them if I could fast forward to the years when I’m a grandmother and they are the ones who are spinning those plates? After much evaluation and self-reflection, there are several practical, intentional pieces of motherhood advice I would tell them to make them better women and mothers. Simultaneously, I recognize these are the very things I need to remind myself often to better enjoy (and survive!) this season.

Sweat once a day.

The best thing you can do for others is to take care of yourself. We’ve all heard those studies that say that exercise releases endorphins, which help elevate moods. When I’m healthy and treating my body well, my mood is better, my patience is greater, and the normal day-to-day tasks feel easier.  

Speak up. 

Don’t be afraid to tell the people in your life that you’re feeling stretched thin and need help. Putting all the responsibilities of work and home on your shoulders does not make you a better mom. It makes you a tired one. 

Create margin.

Make sure that when you’re making commitments, you don’t put your back against the wall. Plan in extra time to get places, ask for a little extra time when it comes to deadlines, and don’t take on too much. You know that the poopocalypse only happens when you’re already running late and trying to get children and everything else loaded in the car. I’m pretty sure that should have been one of Murphy’s Laws. 

Work your schedule instead of letting it work you

Write things down. Put it in your calendar with reminders. Set multiple reminders if you have to. Don’t leave things to memory because the mom brain struggle is real.    

Be “selfish” sometimes.

And by selfish, I really just mean you need to put yourself at the top of the list now and again. Get a massage. Go shopping with no little people. Have dinner with girlfriends. Go for a drive and play inappropriate 1996 rap music you still know by heart. And by gosh, sing it at the top of your lungs.   

Don’t forget what makes you happy.

Spouses, jobs, and children are all valuable investments of your time and energy, but don’t forget about the things that energize and invigorate you when you do them: reading a book, journaling, or pursuing a childhood dream that you’ve put on the back-burner. Don’t forget what makes you you.   

Date your spouse. 

This is a hard but important one. It’s hard when money is tight or you don’t have a sitter you can trust. Maybe your kids are extremely high maintenance at bedtime and you don’t want to put anyone through that (raises hand). Yet, we can’t forget the person we fell in love with nor lose sight of why we fell in love. If we do that, we are not only doing a disservice to our spouse and ourselves, we are doing a disservice to our children. Children who have parents who love and value one another are some of the luckiest kids in the world. Seeing an example of marriage done well can help them made good decisions in their own lives later. 

Outsource. 

Hire someone to come in once a month to do the deep clean (that you hate doing anyway) which keeps you from play time with your kids. Pay someone to cut the lawn. If you can’t afford to hire someone to do the things you can’t keep up with, work a trade. Find someone who needs something you can provide who can offer something you need in return. There is no shame in letting someone pick up some slack for you.    

Refuse to compare. 

There is a reason Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Don’t compare the best parts of someone else’s life to your worst parts.  That’s being unfair to yourself. Don’t try to create an image of yourself or your family by trying to keep up when you shouldn’t.  

Do you, (wo)man. Just do you.   

Let go of the mom guilt.

As a working mom, this is a hard one for me. I can’t make it to every class party. I’ve had to miss out on class field trips. When my daughter looks up at me and asks where I was because “other moms came,” that lump in my throat inevitably forms. I just remind her (and myself) I will be there at everything I can, but I have other responsibilities I’m juggling, too. She might not like it, but I remind myself it won’t kill her, either. In fact, it’s just life. Sometimes the people you wish would show up for you, just can’t. Remind yourself to do the best you can with what you know and the resources you have at the time, and flush the rest.

Remember your “why”.

There is a concept by Simon Sinek that focuses on knowing your “why.” Why do we get out of bed in the mornings? Why have we chosen to do what we do every day or how we do it? When you connect with your internal “why” and work outward, you’re more productive and inspired. In the moments when all those plates start looking like they might drop, try to go back to your why. Remind yourself, “I am doing these things because . . .”

I need to contribute to my family’s finances.

I am a better wife and mom when I work.

I am a better wife and mom when I stay home.

Say no.

Sometimes saying no is just as important as saying yes. I’m slowly but surely learning that saying “no” to the things that spread me thin, stress, or deplete me means I have the room to say “yes” to the things that excite, fulfill, and restore me. Saying no isn’t always a bad thing. It means we know our own limits.

Give yourself grace.

Finally, when all else fails, cut yourself some slack. Have a good cry. Apologize to the person you accidentally stood up for lunch because you committed while you were picking up kids at school and forgot to put it in your calendar. Maybe you yelled at your kids or snapped at your spouse. Maybe your marriage is failing or you feel like you’re drowning in your job right now. Bottom line, at the end of the day, we’re all human. We are all going to mess up and fall short. 

Thankfully, the hard things shall pass, and one day, we will be the ones looking back at these days with nostalgia. In the meantime, tomorrow is a new day. 

And we moms? Well, we come to slay. 

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Amy W.
Amy was born into a family with strong military roots and moving frequently was just a part of life. After living in Birmingham for a few years as a teen, Amy made a promise to herself to move back one day and has done just that. She and her husband, Matt, are raising three strong-willed daughters together. Amy works full-time for Warren Averett as a Business Consultant within their Security, Risk and Controls team. She helps business leadership minimize risk and maximize peace of mind relative to Cyber Security. In Amy’s spare time, you’ll find her at the gym or spending time with her family on Lake Martin. Amy is passionate about her faith, adoption, and foster care. She is also a children’s book author and Founder of the Custom Made Kid Foundation, a 501c3 established with the goal of helping adopting families during the adoption process.