It had been a hard day . . . a hard week . . . a hard season. My six-year-old daughter was struggling (for several good reasons). It was almost dinnertime, and my husband was working yet another night to make ends meet. Most days, I can handle things. Most days, I can “get ahead of it”. But on this day, when a frustrated little girl turned into a “screaming hysterically” little girl, my sleep deprived self just didn’t have the patience she needed. In my weakness, I pitched a nice little fit that almost matched hers. I screamed, I stomped, I even slammed a couple of doors. Then I went to the kitchen, cried, and texted my husband, “I am such a failure.”
I was overwhelmed and ashamed.
But THEN I remembered the very best advice I’ve ever been given as a parent . . . “When you mess up, APOLOGIZE TO YOUR KIDS.” In Connected Parenting** (see footnote) there’s actually a name for it — it’s called “Rupture and Repair”. None of us is perfect. We are all going to have times we rupture the relationship with our kids. But the most important part is what comes next: the REPAIR.
When the meltdowns were over (both hers and mine) and she had eaten dinner, I apologized as I always do. I explained what had made me so upset. I worked with her on strategies to help her calm down when she’s struggling in the future (so things don’t escalate so quickly.)
But all that still didn’t seem like enough.
So . . . once she was ready for bed, I told her to meet me at the dining room table for a surprise. I handed her two spoons and got out the GOOD ice cream (the stuff she doesn’t even know I have stashed for when she’s in bed!) She looked at me, confused. “Mama, does this have sugar in it? I thought you said I couldn’t have sugar before bedtime?!” When I told her it would be okay tonight, her eyes sparkled.
Then I told her the rules for eating this SPECIAL ice cream. “We have to feed each other!” She burst out laughing! (She’s six and perfectly capable of feeding herself . . . but she has only been home with us for two years, and eye contact is extremely important for attachment.)
I turned on the Amy Grant remake of the Mr. Rogers song, “It’s You I Like”. Then we fed each other bites as that beautiful song played and the sweetest of lyrics settled into our hearts. We zoomed ice cream into each other’s mouths, stole bites from each other, and even wrapped our arms around each other’s (the way a married couple does their wedding toast) — and my little love dissolved into giggles! By the time the song was over, we’d had a little bit of a sweet snack, lots of laughs, and plenty of eye contact. We ended the night connected and happy! (And I went from feeling like a failure to feeling like a good mama again.)
I sat in the living room long after she was asleep, just reflecting on our night.
Wishing and hoping that maybe a shared tub of “good ice cream” will be a way that my daughter and I connect far into the future. Maybe, just maybe, someday my grown up little girl will still share a few bites with me in our pajamas after a hard day. And maybe someday when I’m gone, she’ll remember that she had an imperfect mama who made LOTS of mistakes — but who always made sure her little girl knew she was LOVED before the day was done.
What are some ways you work to mend your little one’s heart when you lose your cool? Share them below to give us all some new ideas for our hardest days! And let’s all remember, “bad moments don’t make bad moms”. We are all just doing the best we can — and teaching our kids about humility and forgiveness is actually a really healthy thing!
ETA: The “bad moments don’t make bad moms” quote should be credited to Lysa Turkeurst! Thanks for those wise words Lysa! 🙂
Needed this, been feeling like a bad mama lately. Mainly spread too thin.
I try to make it up by extra snuggles at night, maybe one more book or song.
Planning something fun for the next day.
I love the ice cream idea. And explaining to your daughter why you lost your cool. We don’t give kids as much credit as they deserve. The deserve to know that Mom’s and Dad’s have bad days too, it makes them feel more normal and takes the onus off of them to be perfect all the time.
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